


Is It Because I Got Used To You

by ChronicTonsillitis



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Love Confessions, Post 5x06, Season/Series 05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-05-23 11:45:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14933649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChronicTonsillitis/pseuds/ChronicTonsillitis
Summary: She tried again. “It’s just a lot, you know? Going from living with one person for six years to all this.”Clarke gestured widely but kept her eyes down, unfocused. “I’m sure you understand though. Wonkru must be a big change from the six of you up on the ring.”Bellamy nodded thoughtfully as she continued. “So being around people is a little overwhelming.”“But it’s worse when it’s me,” he said. It wasn’t a question.She didn’t deny it, and the silence stretched uncomfortably between them.





	Is It Because I Got Used To You

Not for the first time, Clarke noticed that there were suddenly too many people. She had spent so long with just Madi for company and so long waiting and wishing to not be alone anymore but Wonkru— Wonkru was too much too soon. 

Maybe it wouldn’t be so suffocating if she had something to do or somewhere to go that was her own, but Wonkru was about the one for the many, and she spent her time serving the many. With Abby gone the clinic was understaffed, and though Clarke still felt woefully undertrained in healing compared to the other staff, she was their best option. 

Besides, she had to keep moving, keep working, lest she think of— No. There wasn’t time for that. There was too much work to be done. People who were sick and injured and needed her attention. 

Jackson seemed to notice her smiles had grown tighter as the day wore on. It only got worse when Bellamy came in. 

She jumped a little when she saw him, but he didn’t notice her. He moved with purpose to Indra’s bed, speaking low enough she couldn’t hear.

“How about you go into the back and check inventory, Clarke?” Jackson asked. “If we’re going to be moving towards war we should know what we need in terms of supplies. I can handle the rest of the patients from here.”

Clarke nodded gratefully, passing him her remaining patient charts before slipping into the back room. It was dark, and quiet, and she let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. 

She longed for a break from all the noise, for everything to be okay, to be happy and carefree and hopeful. She had thought when Bellamy and the others had come down, when the Bunker had been opened, everything would be right but she had been so so wrong. 

Not only were she and Madi not happily living an idyllic life with her long-lost friends and family, they were no longer safe, not anywhere. Even now, as Clarke sat, Madi was being trained as a novitiate, taught to be like her idol Octavia, who it seemed had lost much of her humanity in the intervening years. 

It was the safest place for her right at that moment, but Clarke felt her breathing become shallow as she thought of her little natblida being trained to kill her friends like they did in the old conclaves. Or Bellamy—no. 

She needed to stop thinking. It wasn’t helpful, wasn’t healthy. Clarke was doing all she could and right then she just needed to focus on her task. 

Pulling boxes down with her, Clarke sat on the ground and began meticulously sorting through and marking off painkillers and antibiotics and bandages and anti-radiation drugs. They must have either found supplies in the bunker or found a way to manufacture their own, because despite six years of use, there was still lots of cataloguing to be done. 

She buried herself in the mindless work. She wasn’t sure how long she’d been working but it must’ve been hours, because she became aware of her hand getting cramped and her legs growing stiff underneath her. A knock brought her out of it. 

“Sorry, Jackson, I’m almost done,” she called through the door. “Just give me a few more minutes and I’ll head up to dinner.”

She heard the door click open and shut behind her, but didn’t turn around, keeping her eyes on her task, moving pills from one section of the box to another and checking them off as she went. 

“Clarke.”

The voice did not belong to Jackson. She jumped and her fingers stuttered, catching in the partition of the box in her lap and overturning it. The pills she had been counting spilled out and skittered across the cement floor. Clarke swore. 

She went to pick them up and in a second Bellamy was kneeling beside her, corralling stray pills and pushing them towards her.

“Shit, sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Clarke caught his eye and then looked away, gathering up the pills and replacing them in the box. Grabbing a clean sheet of paper she started counting again. 

“I’ll be out in a minute,” she said, her hands moving mechanically. “Tell Madi I’ll meet her for dinner.”

Bellamy sighed, exasperated. “Madi’s already had dinner, Clarke. Everyone’s already had dinner. It’s nearly midnight.”

“Oh I didn’t realize—” she stuttered, “I was just— I should go say goodnight Madi then.”

“I put her to bed hours ago. She was asleep when I left to come find you.”

“Oh.”Clarke nodded. “Well, you found me. If she’s already asleep I guess I might as well just finish up here.”

He placed a heavy hand on top of hers, stilling them. 

“Clarke, you haven’t eaten, you’ve been alone in here for hours. I think it can wait until tomorrow.”

“Jackson asked me to do this, Bellamy,” she said, shaking his hand off and shooting him a glower, “So I’m going to do it. Why don’t you go get some sleep?”

Bellamy sighed and stood up, turning away from her. She could feel his presence heavily as he stood silently behind her and it made her skin feel tight and itchy. No matter how suffocated she had been feeling earlier with her patients, this was a hundred times worse.

“Bellamy…please, just go.” She turned to look at him, the line of his back stiff where it faced her. “I’m fine and I’ll be done soon, I promise. I just can’t— I can’t have you here right now. Please.”

He swung around quickly at that, his eyes flashing in irritation. “Clarke, I’m just trying to look out for you. You left Madi alone all night and now you can’t even stand to be in the same room as me. Don’t pretend like everything is fine.”

She flinched where she met his eyes and cast hers down, wringing her hands slightly. “It’s not—” she started, and then trailed off. 

“It’s not what?” Bellamy dutifully prompted. 

She tried again. “It’s just a lot, you know? Going from living with one person for six years to all this.” 

Clarke gestured widely but kept her eyes down, unfocused. “I’m sure you understand though. Wonkru must be a big change from the six of you up on the ring.”

Bellamy nodded thoughtfully as she continued. “So being around people is a little overwhelming.”

“But it’s worse when it’s me,” he said. It wasn’t a question.

She didn’t deny it, and the silence stretched uncomfortably between them.

“Are you mad at me for leaving? I know you said you weren’t but I would understand if you hated me for it, even just a little.” Bellamy laughed shortly. “Hell, I hated myself for it.”

She could tell this had been eating away at him. Clarke wanted to go to him, to pull him into her arms and rub his back and assure him she could never hate him, but it was too dangerous.

“Of course I’m not mad,” she replied. “You have to forgive yourself. I’m here, I’m alive, we’re fine.”

“I get it,” he said. “On the ring, when me and Echo first started—“

Clarke stuttered out a broken laugh, cutting him off. “I really don’t need to hear about your love life, Bellamy. I really can’t do that right now.”

His eyes flashed angrily. “Oh I see how it is then. So we’re all just fine now except you don’t want to know anything about the past six years.”

“That’s really not it, Bellamy, it’s just—” Clarke struggled with her words, fighting to find a way to phrase how she felt without revealing too much. “I can’t hear about it okay? Anything else you want to tell me about, fine. Just not— not that. Not her.”

Bellamy looked increasingly agitated. “I get that you don’t know her like I do, but if you would just give her a chance, Clarke. We’ve all changed”

“That’s really not the issue, I promise.”

“Then what is the issue? I mean honestly, Clarke, I don’t understand what you want from me here. I try to have a conversation with you about something that has been a big part of my life for the last couple years, and you just cut me off. It’s like you’re not even trying, like—”

“The issue is that I still have feelings for you, Bellamy,” Clarke cut in, quiet but intense. The strength of her voice rose as she continued. “I’m trying so hard to be happy for you because you deserve to have someone to love and I’m so proud of you for finding that but it’s just— it’s still a lot for me to handle right now. I’m trying, I promise and someday when it doesn’t hurt so much I’d love to hear about it, but right now— it’s too much.”

His pupils were blown wide in surprise, eyes searching her face. “You don’t have to say anything, Bell. I’ll be okay, I promise. I just need time.”

She leaned back on her hands and sighed, tilting her head up towards the ceiling. She hadn’t wanted to say it, hadn’t even wanted to acknowledge but now that it was out there was no going back.

“ _Still_?” Bellamy asked quietly, his voice low and wrecked. He came around to sit in front of her, leaning heavily back against the cabinets. “Clarke, what do you mean you _still_ have feelings for me?”

“You know what I mean,” Clarke said. She could feel his eyes hot on her skin and it made her want to hide. “I know I never said anything, hell, I don’t even know if I let myself think it until after you had gone, but you had to have known how I felt. Everyone knew.”

“Clarke…” he breathed out, nearly a whisper.

“But now you have Echo,” Clarke continued, “And you love her and I respect that. It doesn’t have to change anything. I’ll get used to it.” _Eventually_ , she thought.

She hated her matter-of-fact tone, hated that she was saying this so casually when all she wanted to do was cry. So he didn’t love her the same way she loved him? She had no right to punish him for it. They could still be friends. She just needed boundaries.

“Clarke,” he repeated.

She met his gaze, so deep, so intense that Clarke’s eyes immediately filled with unshed tears. “It’s okay, Bellamy. Really.”

“Don’t,” Bellamy said. “Don’t give me that, Clarke. It’s not okay and you know it.”

Clarke couldn’t help a few tears from escaping, and she swiped angrily across her face to keep them from falling. “What do you want me to say? I just want you to be happy. You are such a good person, and you deserve to have something good in your life.”

“I’m gonna talk for a while,” Bellamy said, his voice dark. “I’m gonna talk for a while, and you’re just gonna listen, okay?”

Clarke nodded shakily.

“You’re my best friend, Clarke. Even after all this time, after all those years thinking you were dead, the stuff we went through together… you kept me alive. You kept all of us alive.” Bellamy sighed. “Look, I didn’t know how you felt about me, not now and not before, but it wouldn’t have changed anything. ”

Clarke felt her heart drop through her stomach. She opened up her mouth to speak but Bellamy held up a hand, stopping her.

“I’ve loved you since the dropship. I tried so many times to stop, to cover it it up, but I couldn’t. Even when you left, even when we weren’t friends, I loved you. When I thought you were dead, when I thought I killed you, it nearly broke me.”

Bellamy moved, reaching forward as if to touch her face. She shifted slightly, and his hand dropped. “But I remembered what you told me, to use my head, and I kept going. I kept living, kept leading.

“And then I fucked Echo. I know you don’t want to hear about it, but that’s it, that’s how it started. You were dead, I was alone, I was angry, and she was there. And eventually it was more than just sex. I fell in love with her, with who she’d become. But apparently you were never dead, and you love me, or have feelings for me or whatever, and she’s out there risking her life and now—” he shifted back, his shoulders sagging, “Now it’s a mess.”

“Now it’s a mess,” Clarke agreed softly, scooting forward to sit up against the wall next to him.

“We’ll figure it out?” Bellamy asked. She let her hand fall near his, and slowly, his eyes shifting up to search her face, Bellamy entangled their fingers together.

“We always do.”

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Used to You by Dagny
> 
> Um so yeah idk how I feel about this aka this was supposed to be another Just Angst No Resolutions fic but I got a little too frustrated because there was no episode this week (again) so they confessed their love for each other, oops.
> 
> Cheers. Here's hoping the rest of season 5 comes out before I turn 85.


End file.
